ending the second week into school soon; my head is a jumble. Scared, really scared but of what exactly i’m not sure. its all good when i’m with people but once i enter my room it messes a little. scared of the work to an extent, although some of it can be pretty interesting.

scared that i don’t fit in, i think that’s the biggest fear really. the fear of missing out, the fear that i’m not social enough or don’t know enough people or those who matter, its like the popularity game is catching up to me. but ok really, what do i have to lose or gain? rationally. gain; it helps because this is my batch, my batchmates and living in utown technically we’re all around the same area. a bit same for usp, fear that i’ll ghost. i think i fear that they’ll talk behind my back, regardless if law or usp. not that close to my suitemates too, but i think that’ll take time. feeling more hopeful about that after the meet the neighbours session on tuesday. 🙂

grateful for my new friends who talk to me and who i can count on. they keep me happy and sane. the girls of usp; mel, shu even, Audrey, jean.. And the usp guys, kaiser and sri, the latter in particular these few days. Darren. for sure, def, darren. law; the girls from rag: fiona liz hj, thankful. havent talked that much to them but when we do its always damn chill and fun and i love it. the guys, particularly valen and ky. the latter sometimes i worry and get jealous over, but aiya don’t be possessive over friendship luh. valen, for texting and talking each day and keeping me sane and listening to me rant or talk cock. for the company around school, essentially being my law buddy. bogeng, he’s so busy oh goodness but really great, thankful for his presence when i break down he listens and he spends so much time on my and i’m so grateful. and he gives marvelous hugs. amazing.

honestly sometimes i procrastinate because i don’t wanna touch work. i mean duh. no link but so grateful for D and how he puts up with my shit, me calling him over (or the other way) every once in awhile.. the (platonic) cuddle sessions are really amazing, i love them so much.. i also like how its completely platonic, or at least i don’t ever feel that there is ever more than that. i really owe him a lot, these sessions have kept me my sanity many times. it feels very comforting, and its just lovely i guess. i won’t say that i crave them but i enjoy them greatly and i look forward to them.

 

get through things one day at a time. it will get better.

 

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Just came back here after so long. Also just read my Jan 8 posts. I don’t remember that day.

I haven’t been putting my thoughts anywhere else, though.

How much things have changed since then. How odd. I’m glad at least that when Iread through my post it doesn’t sound too melodramatic. That pleases me at least.

Its an emo song kind of night. I don’t know what I want. But I think whatever it is I cannot have.

I think that I have to move my thoughts and emotional ramblings to some other place. It doesn’t feel right putting all this here where you can read them. Quite pathetic hahah // thanks for following for this while

you know, sometimes I do wonder if you think of me when you’re at home. Do I cross your mind, do you ever go like oh I wish I could tell her this?

I told myself that I wouldn’t contact you. Mainly because although I think of you, and I miss you sometimes, I don’t have much to say to you. Actually I do. But I don’t know if we’ll be able to have a complete conversation over things, or even how it’ll turn out. All our conversations thus far haven’t been happy.

I guess i write here because I need to get this out. And also because while part of me wishes that I could tell you all this, another part thinks that you’ll rarely come on (as seen by your history here haha did you know I can see the blog traffic) so I can speak still.

I’ve said it all a thousand times and yet the same things run in my head over and over. In a bind, I am. Don’t know if I am to allow myself to miss you or get over you.

Miss you because up to now, I guess we’re still together. I guess. Get over you because so many doubts and issues and longterm problems.. And the fact that we don’t talk (or happily.) Idk, maybe you’re happily going around back home having fun with your mum and dad and whichever friends are still there. haha when I think of that, I contrast it to my self who every morning and couple of hours turns on wifi in hopes of a message.. lol I feel so pathetic.

I wonder if you read this how you would react? Haha I feel like I’m living in my head, pretending that all is fine with other people and smiling and trying to avoid the topic when they ask how we are. And yet in my mind its a mess and here I am vomiting everything out. I googled so much while in UK and I guess it helps to keep my mind on but it doesn’t fully stop the whirling.

I was at Raffles place today for my course and I was a street away from the river. And the buildings that you love and were so amazed by. It reminded me of you.

I’m trying to control myself on insta so I stop vomiting everything out. Problems right now and I don’t know how to handle it.

But yeah isn’t it weird, haha I’m writing here in hopes that you will yet won’t read it. Wonder how annoyed you are now. For some reason I’m often reminded of you being annoyed with me, I annoy you a lot don’t I. And for some reason the happy memories aren’t coming back. I mean, I know they’re there but at the moment, this whole month I mostly am reminded of the fights and quarrels and fallouts that we have. I actually have screenshots of sweet messages from you. but I don’t think I can bear to open them? Kinda just reminds me of what there isn’t anymore.

Oddly enough, perhaps all this to you might just be normal days back home. What an odd contrast

had a bad dream last night. It wasn’t a nightmare exactly, like there weren’t ghosts or anything chasing me or something. More of, it was the situation I was in. Woke up to my alarm this morning and the dream finally ended. Woke up in a terrible mood, very upset. It reminded me straight away of when the girl dreams that her partner is cheating on her and gets angry at him the rest of the day/morning, haha. The thought of that cheered me up a bit, because before that thought I lost a lot of hope.

I don’t remember exactly what I dreamt about. I do know that it was some museum thing for students, I remember seeing a lot of Science students there. I think it was a tour for some course or something like that. Fish and I were supposed to go together, and there was a train station right under it with a few escalators going to different levels. We alighted the train/MRT and there was a huge crowd so we got swept apart and separated.. And then I spent the rest of the day trying to find him. I remember climbing a shit ton of stairs going from room to room trying to find him, texting “where are you” once in awhile.. All the replies were vague like “second floor” and quite short. But couldn’t find you. Even then lol actually I think I did wonder why we didn’t just call instead. But yeah. Then finally I got into the queue??? There was apparently some queue into the exhibition that I somehow missed lol and everyone was there.. Went in and rushed through rooms looking for you, couldn’t find. Eventually left, upset. Got home or into some room or something and went to you.. social media page. IDEK what it was, just something that you would post messages on idk haha. And there was a first paragraph on how you got separeted from me today and it was so good, that you didn’t have to deal with my rubbish or something like that. And I think included something about my constant need to go to the toilet?? Idk. but yeah. I don’t remember the message but it felt spiteful and it hurt.. And when I woke up I could believe that you wrote that about me, for some reason. And I think I kinda lost hope about us.

I don’t even know what that was about lol but it sucked. It really upset me and I guess the thing that made it worse was that somehow I could believe that you would feel that way. But yeah went back to sleep for another hour or so and eventually felt better. That was an odd dream. I feel very alone.

 

I sometimes think of writing. But I don’t know what to say. This blog has slowly morphed from my thoughts only to me talking to you.. And apart from not knowing what else to say.. I don’t know if I should say anything. My feelings sway so much, and I don’t have any idea how you’re feeling. Most of our conversations thus far after my birthday have been about some issue that you’re facing. I feel.. blank. At night I miss you so much, in the day I think of you sometimes. But many times I’m also unhappy, don’t know if we should go on. Or not. I shan’t bring this up here.

I need to get back into my heck it all mood before. Where I would purposely avoid thinking about you, us, too deeply in order to stop my mind from running. You brought up that topic 2 days ago and my mind is spinning with thoughts. I need to shut it up. I’m a slight mess, the only saving grace is when I’m with people so I can focus on them instead.

I don’t know if you’ll read this, or if you will. I also don’t know how much I should say.

I quite wish this was all okay. Either yes or no. I wish we were happy. Were we happy? Despite fighting so often? idk. But I wish w were happy. I need to stop here. My mind is going crazy.