Not sure what this feeling is – sad? bitter? mildly resentful? feeling alone? the fact that he left without actually spending time the way i planned/prepared for – because in a way we did say goodbye. but bitter? what am i upset about?

should i feel this way? was okay just now with the others, laughing and joking with them – guess it also made me feel less alone.

shouldn’t get upset also – because he did come and say bye so we did spend some time together + he went to discuss work with the others – but he knew that i had to leave early so why couldn’t he stay with me first – but also i didn’t ask so can’t expect that of him –

feeling negative but nothing to blame. instinctive reaction is to be upset – i guess also the thought of withdrawing is to protect myself from such future feelings? although this is mild – shouldn’t feel this way – i think there’s an extent of out of controlness which upsets me. I don’t like it when things happen out of my control, and esp involving him. I think that’s it.

Instnctive reaction is to feel upset and helpless – think this furthers the upset feeling – but. the things i can do without him here! the freedom i have 🙂 and being able to spend time and study with the other planktons. Its cool 🙂 not now but forget this feeling, let it pass over but don’t keep mulling over it 🙂 its cool

This has been different from how I want it to be, there have been a number of negative patterns which its time to break out of.

More life outside each other, do things more separately and with own friends. I want time together to be by choice, not be default. Schedule time for own things – mandate it.

Do more things together, new things.

This relationship is different from the previous one, and it should be different – I see a repeat of old patterns and I reject this – its time to take conscious control of how things are going.

Need to be more independent. Like when I was single. And handle my own emotions, needs. Outwards. Moods don’t go in circles.

Change and keep at it. Planning and actually doing something about it, then sticking to it. Explore other possibilities.

Discipline in my life. Sleep enough, eat healthily, exercise for health.

Do things because i want to be that person, not because for him.

Few procedures:

  1. in the morning when waking up – think about what i want to be like, the kind of person I want to be
  2. when upset: write down thoughts, and process them. tell him I need time alone and will reply when thoughts are in order. Move on, and handle them as if single and need to get my shit in order.
  3. reflection once a week.

so tired, kind of just want to sleep for a long while in your arms. Or next to you, because its too warm/easy to be jolted awake in your arms. But yes. I miss sleeping with you and spending time quietly with you. Its one thing to talk and do work, and i’m glad we work well together but despite it all there’s a quiet sense of calm when you can rest with your partner at the end of the day. so tired physcially and mentally and i want to sleep with you.

It is choosing to listen to your spouse when all you want to do is scroll your Facebook timeline (again, my husband’s words). It is choosing to be interested in your spouse’s day even though yours was as sucky as hell. It is choosing to spend time together even though you really crave for some me time after being hounded by a relentless toddler the whole day. It is swallowing down your temporary anger and resentment, and choosing to be kind instead. It is choosing not to keep scores, and to go the extra mile instead.

It is choosing to accept each other in every way, and not be on the lookout for ‘someone better’. It is choosing to overlook and forgive. It is choosing to remember the good times more than the bad times. It is choosing to see things from your spouse’s perspective, especially when you are blinded by rage. It is choosing to hold each other’s hands, and say again and again, ‘I will walk this road with you.’

Feelings come and feelings go. Butterflies appear in your stomach and vanish all the time. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is the real deal.

 

8 years after ‘I do’