Not sure what this feeling is – sad? bitter? mildly resentful? feeling alone? the fact that he left without actually spending time the way i planned/prepared for – because in a way we did say goodbye. but bitter? what am i upset about?

should i feel this way? was okay just now with the others, laughing and joking with them – guess it also made me feel less alone.

shouldn’t get upset also – because he did come and say bye so we did spend some time together + he went to discuss work with the others – but he knew that i had to leave early so why couldn’t he stay with me first – but also i didn’t ask so can’t expect that of him –

feeling negative but nothing to blame. instinctive reaction is to be upset – i guess also the thought of withdrawing is to protect myself from such future feelings? although this is mild – shouldn’t feel this way – i think there’s an extent of out of controlness which upsets me. I don’t like it when things happen out of my control, and esp involving him. I think that’s it.

Instnctive reaction is to feel upset and helpless – think this furthers the upset feeling – but. the things i can do without him here! the freedom i have 🙂 and being able to spend time and study with the other planktons. Its cool 🙂 not now but forget this feeling, let it pass over but don’t keep mulling over it 🙂 its cool

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This has been different from how I want it to be, there have been a number of negative patterns which its time to break out of.

More life outside each other, do things more separately and with own friends. I want time together to be by choice, not be default. Schedule time for own things – mandate it.

Do more things together, new things.

This relationship is different from the previous one, and it should be different – I see a repeat of old patterns and I reject this – its time to take conscious control of how things are going.

Need to be more independent. Like when I was single. And handle my own emotions, needs. Outwards. Moods don’t go in circles.

Change and keep at it. Planning and actually doing something about it, then sticking to it. Explore other possibilities.

Discipline in my life. Sleep enough, eat healthily, exercise for health.

Do things because i want to be that person, not because for him.

Few procedures:

  1. in the morning when waking up – think about what i want to be like, the kind of person I want to be
  2. when upset: write down thoughts, and process them. tell him I need time alone and will reply when thoughts are in order. Move on, and handle them as if single and need to get my shit in order.
  3. reflection once a week.