you know, sometimes I do wonder if you think of me when you’re at home. Do I cross your mind, do you ever go like oh I wish I could tell her this?

I told myself that I wouldn’t contact you. Mainly because although I think of you, and I miss you sometimes, I don’t have much to say to you. Actually I do. But I don’t know if we’ll be able to have a complete conversation over things, or even how it’ll turn out. All our conversations thus far haven’t been happy.

I guess i write here because I need to get this out. And also because while part of me wishes that I could tell you all this, another part thinks that you’ll rarely come on (as seen by your history here haha did you know I can see the blog traffic) so I can speak still.

I’ve said it all a thousand times and yet the same things run in my head over and over. In a bind, I am. Don’t know if I am to allow myself to miss you or get over you.

Miss you because up to now, I guess we’re still together. I guess. Get over you because so many doubts and issues and longterm problems.. And the fact that we don’t talk (or happily.) Idk, maybe you’re happily going around back home having fun with your mum and dad and whichever friends are still there. haha when I think of that, I contrast it to my self who every morning and couple of hours turns on wifi in hopes of a message.. lol I feel so pathetic.

I wonder if you read this how you would react? Haha I feel like I’m living in my head, pretending that all is fine with other people and smiling and trying to avoid the topic when they ask how we are. And yet in my mind its a mess and here I am vomiting everything out. I googled so much while in UK and I guess it helps to keep my mind on but it doesn’t fully stop the whirling.

I was at Raffles place today for my course and I was a street away from the river. And the buildings that you love and were so amazed by. It reminded me of you.

I’m trying to control myself on insta so I stop vomiting everything out. Problems right now and I don’t know how to handle it.

But yeah isn’t it weird, haha I’m writing here in hopes that you will yet won’t read it. Wonder how annoyed you are now. For some reason I’m often reminded of you being annoyed with me, I annoy you a lot don’t I. And for some reason the happy memories aren’t coming back. I mean, I know they’re there but at the moment, this whole month I mostly am reminded of the fights and quarrels and fallouts that we have. I actually have screenshots of sweet messages from you. but I don’t think I can bear to open them? Kinda just reminds me of what there isn’t anymore.

Oddly enough, perhaps all this to you might just be normal days back home. What an odd contrast

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