In a way I do hope that you’ll feel regret when you leave for not appreciating me more. Because that lets me feel better, in some twisted way. I agree with the theory of you being further during exam periods and stuff.. But there’s still a part of me that’s slightly resentful of how much i care for you and try to make you happy.. Whilst many times you barely do the same. Sometimes i wish i could care for you less, because in that way perhaps it would hurt less when you fail to have me in mind. But i can’t. If i love or care i do with all i have, and especially so with a romantic partner. Currently, and for the most part of this year, i want more from you. More care, more of you thinking for my benefit and just putting in effort to make me happy. Not just these specifically, but more of an overall package. More.. Selflessness. More effort. But i don’t know if its allowed of me to ask that from you.
I love you but sometimes there are droughts.. And it trickles in seasonal streams. Good times are amazing and i can’t love you enough. Bad times make me doubt myself and run us down.
Now i know how my grandmother feels sometimes.. It does feel bad.
On a calmer note now. Less emotions but still the same feeling of I’m not sure, dissatisfaction? Idk exactly. Unhappiness. I’m okay sometimes, usually when I’m around people. But when I’m alone i fall back. And I wish you were here to listen and calm and soothe me like i did to you the past year.. But you’re busy and having fun. Can’t blame you for that i guess. Its good too that you’re going out with your old friends. I’m happy for that, even if it may seem not. This will likely be a recurring issue until some changes are seen. Its not good to keep it in but I’ll try to..