This place has become a platform from which I talk to you. Its a place where I can speak to you, because I know you’re reading. And with that knowledge comes the responsibility to not abuse it, to not use this place as a thing to hurt you or upset you. And admittedly, I’ve not done that very well previously. I’ve put in effort though, to do that more now.
I’m not sure whether or not I ever wanted to study overseas. My mum always had told me to, and she’d always tell us that she’ll fund our studies overseas. Even in secondary school, she’d sometimes point out universities in the newspapers – those overseas ones which for some reason or another, had made the news – and told me that she’ll send me overseas in the future. I’m not sure if I did want to go. Even now I’m not sure. I do know though, that I’m not going to apply overseas. One reason why I’d avoided applying for the MFA scholarship is because its all overseas. And I’m not willing to fly. Maybe in the past I didn’t know whether I wanted to go, but for now, I’m not willing to go because I don’t wish to leave you. When I say that, two things come into my mind. Firstly, is that people will tell me I’m being stupid to give up such opportunities for a relationship which in the long term, has pretty low chances of lasting. And secondly, is that I’m afraid that I’ll impact your social life in uni too. One thing I have as a consolation though, is that we’ll enter uni with us as a constant – so its something we can work with, rather than a new issue that pops up. Even so, I want, in university, for us to spend more time doing other things, to make friends and go out with them and all. I sincerely enjoy spending time together, but I think that it’ll be healthier for us to branch out too. It won’t be nice if I ate up all your social time. And regardless of where we go.. Well, we’ll just see what happens. Please don’t hold back and apply for NTU if you want to then, I really would support you in whatever choice you make. As long as it makes you happy and its what you want.. I’ll be okay with it. So don’t worry. Go for REP if that’s what you want 🙂
I’ve realised that being happy, is something that people can’t give you. Yes, people can temporarily make you happy. But true happiness, a satisfaction in life.. Is something that only we can achieve by ourselves. Perhaps the time to do so isn’t now – but we can still do what we can to achieve that. The small things would make a difference too; even if we’re not totally satisfied with our social life or self or whatever, the small things done now would improve things slightly. And that’s what we want, isn’t it? I don’t know if things can be changed drastically overnight – maybe it can, why not? But I think that doing things in the now is what’s important. To do things that Future Me would thank Present Me for.
I’m honestly pretty damn unmotivated. I know I’ve got to do work but yet I simply procrastinate and avoid doing things. I kill time by watching videos and playing games and other things, but I know where my time should legit be going into. I speak sometimes, I feel, as if I’m terribly motivated and that all we have to do is just study for a bit more. But I’m honestly just as sick of this as everyone else. Maybe others won’t agree with me – You don’t understand, they’ll say. Alright, alright. Maybe that’s true. But we don’t know. What I know if that we’re all sick of this. Even the idea of my mum cutting off my allowance doesn’t motivate me greatly. First paper is CSE which I haven’t studied for at all bcos CSQ doesn’t require much revision.. And I’m still not studying. I guess in a way I take my studying pace as the average of people around me. And the one nearest to me is for the moment, off studying. Not blaming them, of course. But that’s influencing my study patterns as well, I think. And that’s not really good. Got to get down to business, regardless of whether or not I like it. Yeah its very true that prelims are just prelims and totally separate from As.. Makes me want to heck it. But I guess the knowledge that I may be dearly disappointed when the results come out isn’t very nice. I’m honestly still hoping that some miracle will happen like in JCTs and I’ll do not bad again. But really?.. I don’t think so. I don’t want to disappoint my teachers.. I need to get my shit in order. Natasha. Please do. Please study. Your time is flying away, and day by day exams creep forward. You know you’re not like him – you can’t study under pressure. Under pressure you shut down.. so you have to have to have to start early. start. please, self. Whether or not you’re motivated… just get some shit done.