I think that when I come back to this page years down the road I’ll only cringe at how immature and ridiculous I sound. But for now, oh well 🙂
I’ve no idea where you are; asleep? I’m not too sure. I honestly am not too sure what I’m getting us into, but all I’m hoping for is that its for the best. After all, its not like we knew what we were getting ourselves into when we started this journey. I’ve my hopes for where this will take us, but even those have various threads at times.. In the end though,.. We’ll see.
What this entry is about is perhaps, a love letter to you. A kind of love letter, to let you know how you’ve impacted me over this one year. I don’t know how far I’ll go, but let’s take a look.
You’ve made me realise what it is to love somebody. Never before have I been willing to sacrifice my welfare for someone else’s never before have I desired to give someone else the best part of everything. And never before have I been so protective of another’s well being. You taught me what it is to love.. and to be loved. I’ve never felt love as strong as yours before, and even typing this now it makes me tear because its now I realise that you do love me.. The affection and love you showed me then,.. its something that I’ll carry close to my heart wherever I may go. I have screenshots of some particularly touching words from you, and also locked some messages from you.. All of them show me how much you love me. And I am so thankful. And even now you don’t reply because you didn’t want to make me sad.. How much you care. Thank you.
You’ve taught me how to clash, how to fight, how to get into conflicts. You’ve shown me how these things go, and how it feels when they end. You’ve taught me to be a better person; more understanding and better at conflict-management. You train me to be less passive-aggressive, more willing to compromise and listen. All this I’ve never done before you, and you’ve allowed me to grow so much with you.
You also opened my eyes; things like how we can have two streams of thought – the brain and the mind. One conscious and the other not so much. You’ve taught me that studying right before the exam is important. You’ve also taught me that one can do practically anything as long as one sets their mind to it. You’ve also enriched my life in a multitude of different other areas which I currently fail at recalling, but do know that you’ve changed my outlook to many areas.
You made me feel beautiful for once, that’s something I can’t forget. You made me laugh and you’ve made me cry; you’ve kissed me and I’ve kissed you. I’ve done so much in life with you, so many things important and memorable and things I won’t forget. You’ve given me so many memories – at the mountbatton macs where we would try and study, you wrote me a short note saying “I love you” once this year. I carry it in my pencil case. At the marina square macs as well as the mall, where we took photos using my Mac and we slept on various occasions. The mall, where we would stroll in school uniform through the almost empty mall with your hand around my waist and me holding you as best as I can. Fries with pepper and chilli, bubble tea and almond tauhuay. I know now that McSpicy gives people terrible shits. What else do I recall? So much. Everything I walk past on the way home, I can recall. Sitting at the back of the bus with you so near me. Oh how we’d progress. Thanking the bus uncle when we got off. Playing round and round the pillar at the area near the bus stop, as well as where you would hug me goodbye before you left each time. The open square area where we ate pizza as well as laksa as well as chicken rice. The bread shop where you bought me a gift once, and where I shop for bread for you when its late enough for the discount. The bubble tea shop where I would sometimes find you waiting, if you alighted the bus early enough. The road crossing, where we once walked past each other, on the phone. Tauhuay. My home, where we laid on the bed together once. Where I curled up against you for the first time. Where we took the photos using the full length mirror. 12th floor, where we used to go to kiss and cuddle. Where we tried to do work together but I ended up sleeping. Where I would often answer calls from you during the jct period this year. So many more memories and thoughts relating to you..
Today when I accidentally bumped straight into you in the Geog room I was washed away by your scent. You smelt the same as always, same as last time when we were so much in love. You enveloped me and I could imagine your arms around me and my face to your shoulder. The warmth and comfort and the feeling of.. home. I remembered all that in just those few seconds, and looking back, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go of you fully. No matter where I go or what happens to us, I think that a part of my soul belongs fully to you. You had my heart, you still have my heart. Keep it warm. I loved you, and I still love you. I love you.
I don’t know if what I’m suggesting is the right thing to do, but I want the best for you but without killing me. Please let this be the right thing to do. I still love you.. I do love you.