It frustrates me how I can’t bring myself to do anything which I feel may hurt you. It also amuses me, the number of qualifiers I have in that statement. Its ridiculous, just like my emotions. I wonder why it bothers me so much when its you, seeing that I’ve no issues with this typically when other people do it. Maybe its because you matter so much to me, and because you, and what you think of me, makes a significant importance in my life. I remember being so hurt the first time you said that your opinion of me had changed. Then again, I remember so much of what you’ve said to me. Not all the stories, the exact details are too many. Who’s who and where.. Those I may not remember exactly. But the gist of it, and the events.. Those I have stored well. Similarly, I can remember so much of what you’ve said to me before. I recall how once, early in our deepening friendship, you talked about the stars and how our ancestors are up there, looking over us from above. I remember so clearly how you said that your grandmother is up there, watching over you. I remember how you said that when you die, you’ll go up and ask for a chance to be reborn again, this time with the opportunity for us to spend a life together. I remember being brought to tears with that; it was so beautiful and poetic and so.. touching. It feels of love. I still cry as I think of that, as I type this. Its funny.
On the way back from buying dinner, I was arguing with myself. As usual. I wondered why I bothered so much, cared so much, tried so hard. I then recalled what you once said to me on Twitter, that I care because I choose to. I realise now that one doesn’t really choose to care, one just.. cares. For me at least, and I speak only for myself, I cannot not care for someone who matters to me. If you’ve any importance in my life, then rest assured that no matter what you do, I’ll watch over you. I cannot choose to detach myself, its not possible for me. I just hope that there won’t be a day wherein I find out that yes, I can forcibly detach myself. That day.. would not be a pretty day.
You made me start thinking about how whether or not I can wish to exact revenge on someone who hurts me. At that time I didn’t think it was possible, but now I wonder if that’s only the case for someone who I care for. I can somehow imagine that if one day someone hurts me to the extent where I’m just filled with undulated anger to the point that I don’t care for their well being anymore.. That day, I might be able to do terrible things. Life’s funny.
I want to be angry sometimes, but I can’t bring myself to hurt you. Not on purpose, at least.
You’re on my mind all the time. Its a love-hate thing, love when I’m happy because yay happy thoughts. But hate when I’m not because each time its like a blunt edge jabbing into my consciousness. I doubt myself so much. I wonder if the things I do are too much. Some of them.. I think so. I don’t know what you think, but it feels overdone to me. I want to let go, someone please help me