Home within a home

You, my love. You are home. I brought you to my house today, and for the first time, there was a home within a home.

We know what happened, of course we do. How could I ever forget? Days like today are those that I keep with me on my travels, days which I couldn’t forget. You are beautiful, so painfully beautiful. Your eyes are luminous and deep and how I drown in them. I see my reflection in them and I see the love you look at me with. I see you, in them. They are beautiful, like you. Your lashes frame your face so angelically – long and with a gentle curve, they sweep against your skin like a loving touch of a mother’s hand. They frame your face, your eyes. I can see your eyes in my mind right now, and I cannot look away. They glow and they’re almost wet, like that of a puppy’s. They pull me in and they reflect all that you see – both literally and metaphorically. Your nose, your nose is simply perfection. You fail to appreciate it for the beauty that it is; I could run my finger up and down its bridge for hours, I would kiss its tip over and over. The tip of it is velvety soft, and feels like a rose. I see the edge of your nose, the sudden change in gradient. And how beautiful it is. Paired with your skin, it simply calls my name to stroke it. It defines your face, and for some reason, you’re able to pull it off so well. It is lovely, just like you. Your lips. Your lips which taste so good, which feel so good when on mine. Sometimes they make me tremble when placed upon mine, so great is the connection. They are luxuriously soft and plump and I could tug on them for a terribly long time, I could lick them and play with them and just tease them till they’re wet and begging to be kissed again and again. And I would do it. Again and again. Your skin. My love, you say that you are too dark but little do you know how wonderfully perfect you look. Your skin is generally smooth and oh so soft, its something that I wish I could have a close up of for the rest of my life. I love to run my hands over it, skin upon skin, feeling the brush of my palm against each of your raised pores. The gentle resistance and the softness of it all, it is absolutely beautiful to touch you. Anywhere, really. To touch you anywhere, is my pleasure and such an honour. To be able to get so close… It really is amazing. And your hair, your hair, your hair. Oh how I love it, just like I love the rest of you. It feels a tad dry, but oh how wonderful it is. I adore kissing your head, smelling your hair, tugging at it gently, petting it. It curls beautifully under my fingers, and it flows like its meant to do when I run my fingers through it. I imagine doing it to you now, and how I long for your presence. Just a few hours ago you were sitting by my side, hair and all just a simply stretch away. How I long for that again.

They left, and we looked at each other. We smiled a small smile, a shared, unspoken secret. We both knew that despite how important work is, an opportunity like this is something to be grabbed, and treasured. You said that you were going to the toilet, and I coyly asked whether you really were. You stood up and stretched, facing the windows, with the sun and the clouds and the blue sky. What lovely weather for such a lovely day. You stretched and I hugged you from the back. It felt like going home.

We walked around the house, showing you bits and pieces of it. The place where we would snap, the beds of my family. And most importantly, my bed. We strolled to it, and there,.. There things go a little fuzzy. The order of things get mixed up, and I cannot recall the exact details of what entailed. I do know though, that the first thing we did was to cuddle. You fell onto the bed and I along with you; you pulled me in to yourself and there I fit, just like a jigsaw puzzle. That level of intimacy, is something that I now desperately crave. You were warm and awhile later, your heart was beating fast. I was tucked inside your embrace and how it felt like the most amazing thing in the world. It was truly beautiful. I cannot describe how perfect it was, how much like home it felt, that we belonged there. I would pay good money to experience that again, and how oh how I wish that we could do that more often. For truly, it is beautiful.

There is so much more I wish to write, to capture forever. The hour with you was utter perfection; how I wish we could revisit it. It was utter perfection. How funny it is that in a short hour, there could be so much to write about? I want to remember the many times you kept questioning why I was wearing so much, and how good it felt to finally, for once, run my hands all over your unobstructed back. Touching you, rubbing myself against you. Feeling you. Lying on your chest and hearing your heart race – its an odd compliment to know that I can still do that to you, cause such an impact. You all over me, lying on top of me. Feeling friend all over, the pressure of him against me. Making the bed and you constantly jumping on it like an excited child, you pushing me forward when I was bent over tugging the bedsheets. I wonder if you knew that I’ve wished to make those noises for so long, to hear what they sound like. I do wish for more chances to make those sounds. Our phototaking sessions, how cute we are. How cute you are. The cuddles, oh I love love the cuddles. The experimenting and exploration of new territories, sitting on your lap as you try things out. (wink) In and out, in and out. Blowing you in all random positions. For the first time, I’ve gotten to see friend life and wow do I want him in my mouth again. For the first time too, I’ve seen your reactions in the light and god you are beautiful. If only I could capture the way you tense up, the way your face contorts and the tension when I do somethings, sometimes. Your face, it is so very expressive and god do I love it. Doing it at night can never compare to doing it in bright daylight, and never did I expect that we would have the chance to do it so soon. I am thankful and lucky. Hearing you say what you did, about wanting to fuck me so hard.. All I can say is yes please. yes yes yes yes yes please. The actual action scares me bcos pregnancy danger!! But apart from that… Just wow. I actually do love hearing you say that, I also enjoy hearing you tease me and well, just saying how much you want me. Do me, please. The teasingish talk at Fork and Spoon.. Love it. It makes me feel so wanted and for that, thank you. I don’t need it too often, but do know that whenever you say something like that, I treasure it dearly. When the time comes and we’re ready… Whenever, however, (almost) wherever.. Please please please. Do me. btw: CUDDLES. Utterly perfect. I can’t get over them, really. How I crave them, how I crave you. I love touching you, you know. The small touches and stolen kisses in the rooms, the gentle presence of a hand here and a leg there. Your smile and your laughter and your voice.. Your presence.. Will always haunt my house, and I will always see you. I see you everywhere, I see parts of you everywhere.

Thank you, my dear, for today. There was a huge scare of course, but its alright. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be // the future’s not ours to see // que sera sera, what will be will be

I love you. Thank you. I love you. Lets make this year good.

Yours,

Natasha

Petty Anger

It frustrates me how I can’t bring myself to do anything which I feel may hurt you. It also amuses me, the number of qualifiers I have in that statement. Its ridiculous, just like my emotions. I wonder why it bothers me so much when its you, seeing that I’ve no issues with this typically when other people do it. Maybe its because you matter so much to me, and because you, and what you think of me, makes a significant importance in my life. I remember being so hurt the first time you said that your opinion of me had changed. Then again, I remember so much of what you’ve said to me. Not all the stories, the exact details are too many. Who’s who and where.. Those I may not remember exactly. But the gist of it, and the events.. Those I have stored well. Similarly, I can remember so much of what you’ve said to me before. I recall how once, early in our deepening friendship, you talked about the stars and how our ancestors are up there, looking over us from above. I remember so clearly how you said that your grandmother is up there, watching over you. I remember how you said that when you die, you’ll go up and ask for a chance to be reborn again, this time with the opportunity for us to spend a life together. I remember being brought to tears with that; it was so beautiful and poetic and so.. touching. It feels of love. I still cry as I think of that, as I type this. Its funny.

On the way back from buying dinner, I was arguing with myself. As usual. I wondered why I bothered so much, cared so much, tried so hard. I then recalled what you once said to me on Twitter, that I care because I choose to. I realise now that one doesn’t really choose to care, one just.. cares. For me at least, and I speak only for myself, I cannot not care for someone who matters to me. If you’ve any importance in my life, then rest assured that no matter what you do, I’ll watch over you. I cannot choose to detach myself, its not possible for me. I just hope that there won’t be a day wherein I find out that yes, I can forcibly detach myself. That day.. would not be a pretty day.

You made me start thinking about how whether or not I can wish to exact revenge on someone who hurts me. At that time I didn’t think it was possible, but now I wonder if that’s only the case for someone who I care for. I can somehow imagine that if one day someone hurts me to the extent where I’m just filled with undulated anger to the point that I don’t care for their well being anymore.. That day, I might be able to do terrible things. Life’s funny.

I want to be angry sometimes, but I can’t bring myself to hurt you. Not on purpose, at least.

You’re on my mind all the time. Its a love-hate thing, love when I’m happy because yay happy thoughts. But hate when I’m not because each time its like a blunt edge jabbing into my consciousness. I doubt myself so much. I wonder if the things I do are too much. Some of them.. I think so. I don’t know what you think, but it feels overdone to me. I want to let go, someone please help me