Nay

I can’t the thought of him off my mind. My heart feels for him. I can’t, don’t want to imagine him bent over broken, crying over what he did. OVer something that can’t be salvaged and he’s all alone and he’s dealing with it alone and he’s so lost. And hurt. He wants to make things right but he doesn’t know how to, there’s no way out of this nightmare but forward but forward is perilous itself. I can’t imagine him so bright and cheery, the one whose smile I looked forward to seeing because it looked as if it was for you and you alone. It reminds me of the breaking of something beautiful and innocent and whole, its now broken and in pieces. Its also off to imagine that he liked such a person, that he went through the same thing but just in a scenario so many times worse. Its so odd to think of him falling head over heels for someone, someone who he can’t have and someone who now treats him as nothing. I want to cry for him. The image of it in my mind seems beautifully, hauntingly poetic. Hurt, with words pouring out and fear and confusion and why why why why me why this am I or am I not what is happening and what should I do? Is all lost why does my heart want this why him why a him so many questions so scary and vulnerable. Its the damaging of something so pure and whole and good that hurts me, maybe. i don’t know. I just can’t imagine him liking him, and him doing all that and so.. broken. I can’t imagine him so broken. It makes me want to protect him but its out of my reach and he doesn’t want it anyways. But the urge to protect is still there I don’t want him to be sad. Someone make him happy, anyone would do. Its also a pity that they don’t talk now. From what I see, he can’t really be bothered. A little uncaring, perhaps. Wrong timings and turning downs that led to this. He gotta make the first move to ask him out. I want them to have a strong relationship. I don’t want it to be silence or empty chatter or just his voice. I want him to participate and offer things about him and why does he seem so detached from me, did I do something? I don’t know but it doesn’t really bother me too badly. But yeah. I want them to talk and share with each other. It appears to be from his side, this side seems.. enough? I’m not sure. I hope so. I don’t know.